I love you.

As I stand here making dinner, and listening to one of my many playlists playing throughout the house, I can’t help but think how lucky I am to have three of the most wonderful people in my life.  I’ve come to realize my music playlists all consists of songs that make me think of you three. Including but not limited to Mirrors by Justin Timberlake.  What can I say, the he sings from the heart and is now a reoccurring artist on my playlist.

Boe - What can I say, you’re simply the best!  Without you continually being my cheerleader, pushing me, making me realize I can reach my goals if I just push a little harder, I wouldn’t be where I am today.  Or rather, where we are today. I hope others are as lucky as I am to have someone like you in their lives.  You constantly remind me that we are an unstoppable team, a power couple, and amazing parents.  You constantly remind me how proud you are of me, and tell me there’s very little I can't achieve.  Thanks for being my partner in crime, and my best friend. I love you.

Teagan - When you came into the world, I was overthrown with emotions, including the realization
that I have a child who will depend on me, look up to me, and snuggle me. You’re attitude of being courageous, passionate, and motivated has made me a better person.  Without a doubt there are times when I need to make a challenging decision, and in my mind I continuously ask myself, “What would Teagan do?”.  You continuously amaze me with your smarts, wit, and always wanting to try new things.  I never thought I would have an 8 year old who loves to golf, ice skate, and snowboard.  Thanks for being you and making me a better person and dad without even trying.  I love you.

Magoo - You are the spicy child I needed in my life to teach me patience, and perhaps a little taste of karma for the hellion I was growing up.  You continuously amaze me when you put your shyness aside and push forward to try something new and daring.  While you are only 5 right now, you certainly act much older unexpectedly.  Watching you do homework at night and seeing your face light up when you get the right answers is the smile I need at the end of long day.  The extra “See you in the morning” when I put you to bed leaves me with a smile as I walk away from your room.  You are certainly strong willed, but I’m sure it will pay dividends as you get older.  Thanks for always being honest, polite, and the little bit of spice I need in my life.  I love you.

“Don't limit your challenges; challenge your limits.” - Jerry Dunn

You know, never in my life did I expect to love golf, let alone pick up a golf club other than a putter for mini-golf. To be honest, I really enjoy playing golf with my dad and having that time together. But never in my wildest dreams did I expect one of my offspring to want to play golf or even try it.

As I’ve mentioned before, Teagan tried golf about 2-years ago. She kept asking me when I was going to take her golfing, and at first I thought it was just a fad because she wanted to ride in a golf cart. Here we are, 2-years later, with a kid who genuinely loves the sport.

Last Sunday, Teagan had golf practice and the weather was miserable. It was in the mid 30’s, and the wind was blowing as if there was a hurricane approaching. About 20 minutes in, Teagan turned to me and said, “Dad my hands are freezing.” First of all, my fault, I should’ve brought some better gloves for her. I said to her, “T, we can get going if you want, it’s no fun to play in this cold.” Without skipping a beat, Teagan said, “Nah, I’ll stick it out. I think I can last a little longer.” So on we went. I carried Teagan’s bag for her so she could keep warming up her hands between her shots. She finished her golf practice with her team, cold hands and all. All she asked for at the end of practice was to “crank the heat in the truck on the way home.”

Anytime I encounter a situation where I’d rather take the easy road out, I immediately think of Teagan and what she’d do. One of the most amazing gifts since being a dad is to have a kid that not only gives you motivation, but genuinely has a passion and see their love for it. It’s a great feeling to have a heart filled with warmth and gratitude.

Kids Just Wanna Have Fun

If I was only allowed two words to describe Teagan, it would be passionate and motivated.

I was lucky enough to have been gifted a round of golf (full 18 holes), but it contained a Cinderella clause. That said, since the kids didn’t have school today, Teagan and I decided to take it upon ourselves this afternoon to play a round (of 18). To add some color to this post, Teagan was introduced to golfing last year, playing several rounds of 9 at a local country club. We’ve slowly started to increase our rounds to 12, 13, and 14 holes, but never 18. Every time we had the opportunity to play, the weather was nothing short of gorgeous.

Today’s afternoon weather was far from ideal conditions to play golf, and let alone 18 holes; it was misty, slightly cool, and everything was wet, including the bottoms of our pants. Once we reached the end of 9, I turned to Teagan and asked, “Do you want to just head home lovebug? I know this weather stinks, and your feet are getting wet.” Teagan turns to me, smiles, and says, “No way, this is awesome, and I don’t want to leave. Don’t the golfers on TV play in this weather?” To which I replied, “They certainly do.” Teagan then says, “We’ve never played 18, and I want to do it, rain and all!” Nonetheless, we golfed our butts off, had a lot of fun, and watched Teagan improve with every shot, to the point her shots easily increased from 10 yards to 40-45 yards by the time we finished.

#KidsKnowHowToHaveFun #GripItAndRipIt #KidsThatGolf

Gambling is illegal at Bushwood sir, and I never slice.

Here's the deal; I used to hate golfing with a passion.  Didn't even consider the thought of it within my realm of interests.  But then again, we all have that one friend.  You know, the one that gives you the, "aw come on, it will be fun.  Trust me."  That's how it started.

In June last year (2015 for those of you keeping score), I was driving home from work and stuck with the rest of the poor rush hour souls. 

For me, rush hour is typically my least most productive time during the day.  I'm usually stuck in a daydream contemplating ways to buy a helicopter, all while realizing if I was rich enough to buy a helicopter I wouldn't have to work (you can see how this begins to snowball). 

Mid-daydream my phone rings; it's my friend Andrea.

Let me "Tarantino" things a bit to add some clarity to this story. Prior to this phone call (3 years or so) I met Andrea at a vendor event in Boston.  Andrea continued to stay in touch since that time looking for ways to have a chance at gaining some business from my employer.

Andrea out of the gate asks, "Hey, do you golf?"  To which I reply, "Nope, and don't plan to.  Why?"  Andrea goes on to share with me that her co-workers are big golf enthusiasts and would love to go out sometime.  I was persistent in saying I'm not interested but would entertain the business conversation and left it at that.

Fast forward to the beginning of July, same thing. Driving home, phone rings, its Andrea.  Again asking if I want to go golfing.  I said to Andrea, "Look, I'll make you a deal, if my dad can come, I'll attempt to play."

For those of you who didn't know, my dad loves to golf. Before Andrea, he was hounding me to try golfing, to which he gave up after he learned that I had no interest whatsoever.  My dad is also one of the most hard working people I know (right next to my mom). He always worked his butt off so us kids could have everything we needed.  He has always been my role model for his work ethic.  That said, his work ethic can be summed up using a simple quote:

"You can't have a million-dollar dream with a minimum-wage work ethic." - Stephen C. Hogan

With my parents always going above and beyond for us kids, I try to do what I can today to repay the favor; hence the attempt to score an all-inclusive round of golf with my dad at a fantastic local country club.

Needless to say, Andrea gave me the green light for my dad to join us.

Moving onto a gorgeous Monday morning at the beginning of August, my dad loaded up the necessary golf gear (because I obviously didn't have any) into his truck and off we went.  Little did I know we were playing in an actual golf tournament.  Luckily for me, it was a scramble format (best ball).  To sum up my very first time even remotely swinging a golf club, I had a dozen golf balls to start and a positive attitude.  At the end of the round, I had a single golf ball left, hit at least one tree per hole, and was satisfied with my first golfing experience. 

Even with my mediocre day on the course, the best part was just being able to spend quality time with my dad.  We didn't always have the best relationship while I was growing up (we would sometimes butt heads), but he was/is always there for us kids regardless of the circumstance.

Being an adult, it's that subtle realization I have from time to time that my parents won't be around forever.  That's why I do my best to spend that quality time with my parents, wife, and kids.  Nothing in life is guaranteed.  So thanks to Andrea, golfing gives my dad and I that quality time together; all while slicing balls, and reciting lines from CaddyShack and Happy Gilmore.

Few weeks later, I found myself searching for a used set of golf clubs on Craigslist.  After a few days of searching I thought I found the perfect "catch all" set of clubs. A very kind gentleman was offering an entire set of clubs for a few hundred bucks. Best part was he had several sets to choose from since he collected and repaired golf clubs as a hobby.  But, what did I know?  I just picked out what "looked" to be a decent hand-picked set (bag, driver, 3W, irons, and a putter).  After a few times out with my dad and trying to learn more about golf in general, I started researching the clubs I had (here's where you'll chuckle). Come to find out, I had a ladies driver, a regular 3W, senior irons, and an undesired putter.  I was a bit aggravated that my clubs were all over the place (flex wise) which wasn't helping me to develop my swing correctly.  Not that my swing was / is anything to write home about, but this predicament certainly wasn't playing to my advantage.  I ended up calling the gentleman that sold me the clubs, and explained that I'd like to return them due to the fact there was no consistency (flex wise) across the entire set. He understood and happily refunded my money.

Being a typical guy, I then proceeded to research club brands, specs, reviews, opinions, and prices.  For anyone that knows me, they'll tell you that I'm a bit over the top when it comes to buying just about anything.  More so when the price is a bit on the more expensive side.  I typically blame my OCD buying experiences on my engineering brain / mindset.  Shortly after performing my extensive research, I may or may not have made a "disgruntled-used-club-buying-experience" impulse buy of a brand new set of clubs.  At one point during this impulse buy process, I literally felt like Al Czervik from CaddyShack when he's in the ProShop buying just about one of everything.  With that said, I now own a very respectable set of clubs, complete with obnoxious golf apparel (be sure to check out Loudmouth Golf, and Royal & Awesome).

Golfing by it's self is quite the addictive sport, even before adding in the social drinking aspect of it.  For those that don't golf and read this post, I'm sure you are saying, "Addictive, without the cold beer, how so?"  It's simple really; it's got that whole love / hate thing going on for it.  It's like the ultimate car wreck of relationships.  There are days you get off the course and swear up and down that you are selling your clubs. Only to find yourself back on the course a few days later playing one of your best rounds while scratching your head trying to figure out why you sucked so bad the round before.

I'm now a lifetime golfer.  I look for any opportunity to "hit the links" with family, friends, co-workers, etc.  Even though my golf obsession does tend to drive my wife crazy from time to time, she makes every effort to tolerate it, all while keeping the peace in our household.  It's that whole, you've got to give a little, take a little, and let your poor heart break a little.  That's the story of that's the glory of love.

Until next time, reach out to those closest to you and let them know you care about them.  It could change their day.

[Sidenote]
I'm doing my best to make this the final name change for my blog.  I'm pretty happy with it's new title (for obvious reasons).  Come on, my golf obsessions isn't that bad.
[/Sidenote]

Patience Is A Virtue

Hello to all my readers, or maybe lack thereof… I apologize for not posting monthly as I was originally, but Sarah and I have been really busy with both kiddos on top of moving into a home! Booya! I promise that I will try to get back into the swing of posting at least once a month. So, without further ado, here you are…

You know, I would have never thought that being a parent would make me a better person. Ten plus years ago I was the most impatient person you'd ever meet. So much so that I didn't have the most fantastic interpersonal skills, however, mom always blamed it on the fact that I had an engineering mindset and people like that typically don't like interacting with others. However, being where I am today I can argue that point until the other person is blue in the face. Why? Because of life's experiences from being a parent.

There are times that Teagan is the sweetest kid you will ever meet. There are also times when she is a hellion, and as my friend Ron puts it, "I don't negotiate with terrorists." I have come to learn that I need to be patient and speak to Teagan on her level. While speaking to her on her level I need to explain to her where she is in the wrong and give her choices that she can choose. Most of the time, the two “different” choices have the same outcome, but as far as she knows, she is getting the opportunity to choose. Of course, I’m sure all parents feel the need to just freak out and yell time to time, however, that choice typically results in your child crying harder and louder which is a result that neither of you want to listen to or deal with.

From my experiences with Teagan, and now Hadley (even though Hadley typically cries because she is hungry, wet, or just wants to be held), I have come to learn that when I am in a difficult situation to take a step back, take a deep breath, and assess the situation and deal with it in a calm manner and tone. From my learnings, the outcome and results are much more positive and productive. I stick to this process regardless of the situation whether I am at home or at work. Everyone wants results and everyone wants to be productive. Sometimes those results consist of a compromise. And sometimes, those results are not what you expected because the other person may have had a better idea or direction to go in.

So, the moral of this post is to keep an open mind, keep your guard at ease, and work with one another regardless of the situation. The outcome and results can sometimes be very eye opening.

Adventures in Parenthood - Emergency Room Nightmare Edition

[Monday Day]

Monday started off as a pretty typical day in the Horman household - Wake up early, Sarah and I get ready, get both kids up, get them ready, get them breakfast, get out the door and to the car without Teagan having to make a million stops along the way.  I planned to work from home anyways because it was supposed to be a pretty crappy commute in the morning and I didn't want Sarah loading the kids up alone if it was going to be icy outside.  I typically get up and out the door earlier than her and the kids, however, the snow removal company for our apartment complex is terrible about being proactive with inclement weather.  But, that will be another blog post for another day.

Hadley started with a cough on Friday morning.  Sarah and I let it be assuming it's just cold season and some of her friends at school also have coughs.  Not to mention, my freakin' cough is still hanging around.  Hadley's cough got much worse on Sunday, to the point on Monday morning it sounded very tight and a bit wheezy.  Sarah called Hadley's doctor's office on Monday morning to explain her symptoms and find out if they wanted to see her or not.  So Sarah got an appointment for 2:00pm on Monday.  We went to her appointment and her doctor diagnosed her with bronchiolitis which can turn into RSV at one point or another.  He said she would just need lots of fluids and a lot of patience as the next two weeks would be challenging to keep her comfortable while we wait for this to pass.

Shortly after her appointment I brought Hadley home with me to work from home for the rest of the day.  I figured it was probably best to have her sit up right so I brought her swing out to my office (aka the kitchen), plopped her in it, turned it on, grabbed her blanket and lovey, and off to sleep she went.  The last time she ate was around 1:00pm and Sarah warned me that she would need a feeding around 4:00pm.  Fair enough.  So I kept an eye on the clock, 4:00pm rolled around, 5:00pm rolled around, 6:00pm rolled around, and she was still sleeping.  At 6:15pm I turned the swing off and woke her up.  I figured she had to be starving at this point.  Got her changed, made her bottle, sat on the couch, attempted to give her a bottle and no go.  Now, keep in mind, this is the same kid that has a 5 oz. bottle religiously every 3 hours.  If we wait 3 hours and 5 minutes, she will start to get very angry and upset.  I thought maybe it was just because she wanted mom and unfortunately she was with dad.  I gave her a 10 minute break and tried again.  Still no go.  I knew Sarah would be home shortly so I waited to see if maybe it was just me. 

[Monday Night]

Sarah came home, put all her things down, grabbed up the Magoo and tried to give her a bottle.  Still no go.  Sarah did the same thing I did, gave her a few minutes and tried again.  Still nothing.  At this point we were both scratching our heads.  We knew she had a cold, but for a kid that barely misses a meal this wasn't like her.  Hadley did feel a bit warm, but she also has a cold and they checked her at the doctors office earlier in the day and he had a 99.7 fever.  We decided to take her temperature again, and this time it was 102.1.  Much warmer than we expected.  She also developed a bit of a grunt at this point while breathing, but me being a guy, I figured she is just clearing her throat.  At this point we called the doctors office to find out if there was anything we could give her to both bring her temperature down and help take the edge off of her cold.  After relaying her symptoms to the nurse the nurse suggested that we bring Hadley to be seen at either the Marlborough Hospital ER or the Worcester UMass ER on Lake Ave.  Because Sarah would be going alone while I stayed home to put Teagan to bed, we figured the Marlborough Hospital ER would be best, at least for now.  Sarah's parents were kind enough to meet her at the ER so she wouldn't be alone.

We were wrong, dead wrong.  Let me just say if there was an award for absolute worst Emergency Room in New England, Marlborough Hospital would win hands down.  Sarah was keeping me posted via text messages because I was in Teagan's bedroom trying to get her to go to sleep.  Sarah informed me they first did blood work, then an x-ray, and then they had to draw urine via a catheter.  The doctor at the Marlborough Hospital ER told us her white blood cell count came back very high (30) and should be around 4.  At this point we weren't sure what this meant, but then the doctor went on to inform us that he believes she may have meningitis and she will need to be transported via ambulance to UMass Worcester.  Now if you didn't know meningitis in infants can lead to brain damage and at times be fatal.  To confirm whether or not she had meningitis, they would need to do a spinal tap.  Now, at this point in the story keep in mind that I'm still at home with Teagan and Sarah is at the hospital, alone, with Hadley.  Unfortunately, Sarah's parents had to leave and couldn't stick around.  I started running around at this point trying to figure out how to get up to the hospital to be next to my wife while making sure Teagan would be taken care of.  I know I say it time and time again, but I'd seriously put my wife up against anyone else's wife any day of the week.  Sarah really is the rock of our family.  She sat there and stayed strong while Hadley had to have a spinal tap, and let's be honest, no parent wants to see their child go through something as painful as that.  I was fortunate enough to get a hold of my parents and they rushed right over.  My mom stayed at my apartment while my dad rushed me over to the Marlborough ER.

Once I got to the ER I immediately rushed over to Sarah and my baby girl who was all bandaged up and looking helpless.

Sarah was still staying strong and just trying to take everything in and plan our next move once they confirm the diagnosis.  15 minutes after I arrived to the ER the ambulance showed up and escorted Sarah and Hadley out to the door to head for UMass Worcester.  I grabbed Sarah's car keys, jumped in her car, set my phone's GPS for UMass Worcester on Lake Ave, and off I went.  That was the longest car ride of my life.  No radio on, just the silence, while I'm playing back in my head everything that I've just heard.  The whole way there all I kept thinking was, "Where'd I go wrong, what could of I done differently, did I give her my cold and that's what started this, etc".

[Tuesday Early Morning]

After I got to UMass Worcester and parked the car, I rushed into the ER and they brought me right over to Sarah and Hadley.  I was already feeling a bit better when I saw they had a pediatric ER and all the nurses rushing back and forth.  I got into the room where Hadley was and they were quickly hooking her up to monitors to check her levels and make sure she was in a stable state.  All of Hadley's stats came back looking perfect.  Perfect heartbeat, plenty of oxygen, and her respiratory stats were a little down, but this was because of her cold.

The first male nurse we met with was very kind and actually gave us a sign of relief.  He came in and immediately asked what brought Hadley in this evening, how'd it start, when did you first notice it, etc.  Then he started asking us what the Marlborough ER did, and why they did it.  He was a bit puzzled why they did blood work and a spinal tap for a respiratory condition.  He told us that he believes that it's just a respiratory virus and that it will go away on it's own.  Oh, and I almost forgot to mention that all of the paper work that Marlborough sent up to UMass Worcester didn't match up with anything we had told the male nurse.  That's a much longer part of the story but I will spare you all the details and just say, don't trust the paper work that Marlborough sends you with anywhere.  A little while later we got to meet with the on-call pediatric doctor.  She was super kind and pleasant and also reassured us that Hadley was going to be fine.  She actually told us that a high white blood cell count, such as 30, in an infant is completely normal and that if it was indeed 4 while she has a cold, she would be concerned.  About 20 minutes later, the same on-call pediatric doctor came back and told us that Hadley's spinal tap results came back perfectly normal and that it's not meningitis.  She was feeling very confident that it is bronchiolitis and the start of RSV so she was going to have another doctor come in to perform some quick tests to confirm it's RSV.  A few minutes later, a very kind older gentleman came in and performed the tests.  Which to say the least, the tests for RSV are a bit strange I guess would be the best word to describe it.  I actually wish I had my camera ready to take a picture of Sarah's face while the gentleman was doing what he needed to do for these tests.  Sure enough, about 10 minutes later the on-call pediatric doctor came back and confirmed it was RSV.  Talk about a sigh of relief.  The doctor did inform us that they were going to keep us over-night for observation just in case.  A couple of minutes later, a few more fantastic staff members help us and escorted us to a pediatric room.

At this point, it's about 4:00am, and the room they put us in (which we had a roommate, lucky us) there was only enough room for one of us to sleep there.  I did offer to Sarah to stay, but in her exact words, "There is no way I'm leaving."  So I kissed her and Magoo good night and said I'd be back first thing in the morning after dropping off Teagan at daycare.  So again, I grabbed the car keys, headed out to the car, jumped on the highway, and headed home.  However, this ride home was much different than my ride there.  I didn't feel like I was going to have a minor heart attack since I was now relieved that it was just a virus and we will get through it.

[Tuesday Morning / Afternoon]

By the time I got home, thanked my parents over and over again for rushing over, and got to bed, it was about 5:00am.  I don't even remember falling asleep, however, I was kindly woken up at 7:30am by a hit to the face with a stuffed puppy.  Sure enough, it was Teagan letting me know she is wide awake and ready to start her day.  Of course the day started like any other day - Get up, get dressed, get Teagan dressed (in the best fashion possible, because usually that's mom's job), get Teagan's hair under control, get Teagan fed, get out the door and into the car with little hassle as possible.

After I got Teagan off to daycare I quickly rushed back to UMass Worcester to be by Sarah and Hadley's side.  It was quite the long day of trying to get Hadley to eat, doctors and nurses constantly checking on her, and Sarah and I keeping our sanity.  However, I have to say, while the room conditions were not ideal, UMass Worcester (specifically Lake Ave) has the most wonderful staff of nurses, doctors, and "life care" which made it worth while to be there.  Not only are they funny and keep you entertained, you can really tell that they love their jobs and love to take care of kids.  There is really nothing more reassuring than that.  All day long it was up in the air if they were going to send us home or keep us for another 24 hours.  Because I wasn't sure when I'd be leaving I asked my parents if they would be so kind to pick up Teagan from daycare.  However, when I talked to my mom shortly after she picked up Teagan from daycare and I wasn't sure who was more excited about that arrangement, my mom or Teagan.  Around dinner time the doctor came back and reassessed Hadley and felt she was definitely on the upswing from when they first saw her and felt she would be OK to go home.  So we packed up, headed out to the car, and homeward bound we were.

[Tuesday Night]

We got home, got settled, and my parents dropped Teagan off.  We quickly got Teagan into bed so we could get ourselves to bed and get caught back up on our sleep.  There is just nothing quite like your own bed.

[Wednesday]

Sarah stayed home with Hadley today, while I brought Teagan to daycare and headed into work.  Hadley is definitely on the upswing.  She is not eating as much as she should, but she is at least keeping her fluids down and seems to be in a better mood with the help of Tylenol (it's seriously like the miracle drug).  It's events like these in your life that make you stop where you are and appreciate life, because you just never know.  At the drop of a hat things can change.  Appreciate what you have today because there is no guarantee for tomorrow.  This experience was a bit of an emotional roller coaster for both Sarah and I.  It was sad, scary, happy and funny.  However, I believe that life sometimes throws you curve balls just to keep you on your toes.  Needless to say, I don't hope to see another one for quite some time.

With all of that said, I want to give a shout out to those that tended to us in the time of need:

• Ron and Kim - Thank you so much for being by Sarah's side when I was not able to be there.
  
• Mom and Dad - Thank you again for coming over late at night to stay with Teagan and make sure she is all set.  Also thank you for picking her up from daycare.
  
• To all the doctors, nurses, and staff in the pediatric ER at UMass Worcester - You guys are a fantastic team.  Thank you so much for all of your help and putting our minds at ease shortly after we arrived there from "that other ER".
  
• To all the doctors, nurses, and staff on the 5th floor pediatric wing - You couldn't have asked for a better group of staff than all of you.  You all really love your jobs and definitely love caring for the kids.  Having all of you while we were there helped my wife and I keep our sanity.
  
• To Patriot Ambulance - Thank you very much for your care, and transporting my wife and daughter to UMass Worcester.
  
• To my IT family at ER - You guys are awesome.  We really are like family.  Thank you very much for reaching out and checking to see if we needed anything.
  
• To all of Sarah's staff at NGCC - Thank you all for your kind thoughts and checking in on us.
  
• To anyone I may have missed - Thank you for being there for us.  Sarah and I really have the best group of friends and family that anyone could of asked for.

Twas the Night before Christmas - Horman Edition

'Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the house
The cats were actually settled, and quieter than a mouse.
The stockings were hung by the gas fireplace with care,
In hopes that Santa would soon be here.

Teagan and Hadley were sound asleep in their beds,
While they dreamt of new toys in their little heads.
And Boe in her PJ's, and I in my boxers,
Had just crawled into bed after watching Chicago Fire.

When out on the lawn I heard a loud noise,
That I jumped out of bed and tripped over one of Teagan's toys.
I quickly ran to the window in the blink of an eye,
While wondering if I should call the police and see if they are nearby.

The bright moon illuminated the frosted ground below,
That's when I noticed strange trail marks through the new fallen snow.
I'm barely aware thinking I couldn't have drank that much beer,
As I looked out the window and noticed a fat man with eight tinny reindeer.

With a little old man, who's red outfit was stained with booze and whiskey,
That's when I realized it was Santa looking a little grizzly.
His reindeer were standing there looking like hell,
and that's when he stood proud and started to yell.

"Now Dasher! now, Dancer! now, Prancer and Vixen!
On, Comet! On, Cupid! on, on Donner and Blitzen!
We still have several stops to make with a sack full of toys,
And if we have time, we will deliver coal to all of the Back Street Boys!"

I started to wonder if I was going to have to deal with this fiasco every year,
Because we may have to have a conversation about his landing gear.
Then Santa took off in a hurry with his reindeer and sleigh,
Only to land on my roof while laughing away.

So I quickly checked on the rest of the family to make sure they were still fast asleep,
That's when I started to hear the roof twist and creek.
As I started to quietly make way back to my bedroom,
Santa decided to come down the chimney with a loud boom.

He was all decked out in his famous warm red suit,
I had a bit of concern that it was tarnished with booze, ashes and soot.
But he still had his large sack of toys that followed in tow,
It was a beautiful shade of red with just a dash of snow.

His eyes were a bit glazed over, and signs of wind burn on his face,
I supposed I'd be drinking too if I had to run his one night race.
His beard was perfectly shaped and was as white as could be,
I could tell with only the reflection from the lights on our fake Target Christmas tree.

A Cuban cigar held tight in his teeth,
The smoke encircled his head like a wreath.
He had the biggest smile from ear to ear,
I wondered if I should offer him a Red Bull or a beer.

For a man that still had a long night ahead of him,
He was certainly cheery and far from grim.
As he turned to me and gave me a quick nod of his head,
I figured it maybe time to head back to bed.

He stayed completely silent as he started placing gifts under the tree,
I could only hope that he was leaving some Cuban cigars for me.
Over to the gas fireplace he tip-toed quietly,
As he flew up the chimney while defying gravity.

He hopped up into his sleigh and gave his team a brief shout,
They all quickly took off to finish their route.
But I heard him exclaim, as they were just about out of sight,
"Merry Christmas to all, and too all (burp) a Good Night!"